


One part sour, one part sweet

by usedupshiver



Series: Drowning Sorrows [10]
Category: Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Loki Feels, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki-centric, M/M, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 10:51:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2147976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usedupshiver/pseuds/usedupshiver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki is running himself ragged in an attempt to silence the bitter voice in his head, and failing. Doing everything is clearly not enough, but being offered something might be. Even if it's just breakfast.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One part sour, one part sweet

Exhausted. Completely, utterly, indescribably exhausted.

Loki could not even find it in him to think back to times he had felt this wrung out before. There had been times, but those he had not chosen. This? This he had taken upon himself willingly. Right now, he wished he never had.

Sitting on the dizzying top of Stark Tower, legs crossed and hands on his jeans covered knees, he reached with his mind, upwards, touching the green glow of the protective web he had created in the sky above. He gritted his teeth, fighting to keep his focus, as he sorted through the curving lines, finding them in order. With a rush he let the air from his lungs, relaxed his mind, and let his body follow, rolling back onto the roof. Flat on his back, the wind blowed mostly past him. He closed his eyes and let the cool fingers gently pull at him.

_not enough_

He had flitted all over Midgard for weeks, weaving spells. He had watched Anthony work his metal magic in the workshop, building his own defenses. He had discussed strategy with the Captain, whose calm, composed way of finding the heart of every issue soon won Loki's respect. He had read. And read, and read, and read. Until it had felt like his eyes were bleeding. And then, he had started over.

_it is not enough_

He had done, and was still doing, everything he could.

After all, Loki had even managed to foil Thanos' plan. He had manipulated the board, changed the game they were playing, and let the pawns sweep Thanos off the table. Not even Stark seemed to have figured that part out yet.

What would have been the point of ruling Midgard, if he had not been free to do so? Independently? They thought they had broken him, bending him to their will. No such thing.

He didn't need their help, their army, their guidance. He could be a god here. He had known that. All he had to do, was get the defense to work for him, and then sweep them off the table as well.

Of course, that part had failed. 

They had still caught him. That had never been part of the plan. But his escape had been easy enough. Of course it had. The man who had tricked the Mad Titan surely had no difficulties slipping away from Thor. Not the first time he had, after all.

Not the last, either. 

With the help of Tony and the Captain, he had fallen through Asgard's grasping fingers and been allowed to stay where he was.

_it will never be enough_

Loki lifted his arms to place them across his head, felt the bare, windchilled skin of his biceps against his cheeks.

He was where he wanted to be. Yes, he would have preferred to be here as king, as would have been his rightful place, but he was still here. He had time. 

At least, that was what he tried telling himself.

Before, Loki had tried one of Stark's solutions to ease his troubles, the one found in a bottle. It had never really worked, so now he had tried another, and started working. Working harder than he had ever worked on anything. Obsessively. Wearing himself out in an attempt to silence the whispers of dissatisfaction crawling their way back into him.

_you will never be enough_

Growling at the voice inside, as if it was some hostile creature he might scare off, Loki bared his teeth at the distant, blue sky.

He rolled over on his side, sat up, slowly, and even that controlled movement made his head spin. He knew he had to rest now. Not even bothering to stand up, he used the last of his strength to move himself to the workshop, where he knew Stark would still be.

Loki appeared out of the green by a wall, and was happy for it. He had nothing to keep himself upright with; he needed the support.

”Back so soon?” The mortal had his back to Loki, bent over the bench, but by now he obviously knew the sound and feel of magic well enough to know when he was no longer alone. At least when Loki was as tired and careless as he was now, not trying to hide.

”I would offer to leave again, but I'm afraid I cannot.”

That made Tony turn around, brow knitted. And the lines on his forehead grew deeper once he had a chance to really get a good look at Loki.

”You know what? I can tell.” He pushed his chair from the bench, got up and walked over to sit down next to Loki, leaning against the wall, stained hands resting in his lap. ”I'd say you are about done for today. Or, well, the week.”

”You know I have to keep -”

”Yeah, yeah, you tell me all the time. Keep checking. Keep working. Keep something, whatever. You know, I don't even listen any more.”

”Did you ever?”

”No.”

Loki managed to roll his head to the side, and found himself facing a warm smile. He wanted to return it, but he just sighed and tipped to the side, until his forehead was resting against Tony's.

”You know I was joking, right? I always listen.”

An attempt at a nod.

”No words left?”

An attempt at a headshake.

”That bad? Well, all right then, let's get you sorted out, big boy.” 

Stark gripped his limp arm and worked it up over his muscular shoulders, dragging Loki with him as he rolled up on his knees. The mortal was strong, and with just the weak help Loki managed to give, he got them both up on their feet.

Once in the elevator, Tony got Loki in a corner, using his own body to keep him upright, and then led him to the bed when they reached the right floor. When he felt the mattress under him, Loki thought he would cry. When Tony gently undressed and pulled the covers over him, he did. No sobs, he had no strength for it, just quiet tears of pure exhaustion.

_not enough_

Then everything was finally silence and darkness.

* * *

Loki was alone in the bed when he woke up, and after raising his head to see the untouched other side of it, he realized the correct observation was actually ”still alone”. Stark had never joined him at all, even though Loki knew he must have slept a long time.

He stretched, threw the covers off and sat up to pull his jeans back on, not bothering with socks, shoes or even the t-shirt, suddenly restless. But he forced himself to save his energy, and used the elevator to get to the workshop this time. He would need his magic for later.

Sure enough, Stark was still where Loki had found him last time. Bent over the workbench, one of his softly whirring metal constructs helping him with some task.

”You are doing that on purpose, aren't you?”

At first Loki thought Anthony was speaking to him, but when the contraption by the man's side made an almost apologetic whine, he realized he was still undiscovered. How odd. Stark knew at once he was there when he arrived by magic, but he didn't notice the elevator opening.

”Left, you imbecile. You're on the same fucking side of the table as me, you know? Your left is my left. Okay. Just... Stop.”

The construct pulled its arm back, looking, oddly enough, embarrassed. How was that even possible?

”I'll just do it myself. As soon as I've had my coffee.” Stark straightened in his seat, turning right to reach for his cup, and caught sight of Loki in the corner of his eye. Turning almost all the way around then, he picked up the cup and smiled. ”Well, good morning. I think.” He looked down at the item on his wrist, the one Loki knew could tell him the time. ”No. Scratch that. Good afternoon. You've been out of it for almost twentyfour hours. Well done!”

”And you have not been 'out of it' at all, I take it?”

”I think I had a couple of hours on the couch early this morning. Then I thought of this thing and I couldn't go back to sleep.”

On the couch? And why was that, now? Loki held the question back, however.

_not enough_

Stark never really asked anything of him, he had noticed. Loki was allowed to come and go at will, mind his own, never being questioned.

It might have made him think that the man didn't really care. That he would hardly notice if Loki left, never to return, but he knew better. He remembered, still, very well, that drunkenly desperate glimpse he had once had of the inside. What Anthony hid, even from himself. The need and the fear.

And Loki knew what that was.

It was the need to ask, to beg, for more, and the endless fear of the one answer that would break him forever – no.

He knew, because he himself had once heard that no. And he was still broken.

And Loki found himself relieved that there were no questions. After all, he was not sure what answer he could give.

And at the same time wishing the questions would come, so that they could both find out.

_you are not enough_

Loki walked up to the man, placed his hands on Stark's shoulders and turned him back, so that they could both look down at the table in front of them.

”This thing” turned out to be a helmet for the iron armour, wires sticking out of it.

”Your little web thing upstairs? It made me think of trying to incorporate some sensors or filters to pick up on that. So I can see it, even without your help.”

”My 'little web thing', Stark? Really?” He pinched the shoulders between his fingers.

”All right! Your amazing, glorious piece of defensive art. Better?”

”Much better. But why would you feel the need to see it? You could pass through it unharmed if needed, I told you so.”

”Sure. But I sort of wanted to be able to see other things as well. If I can figure out a way to see your spells, maybe I can see others as well, if there are any to be seen. Any I might not be able to pass through.”

Loki studied the cracked open helmet in front of him, thinking. ”That is not a bad idea, actually.”

”Of course not.” Stark put the now empty cup down and spun his chair around, ending up with Loki's hands back on his shoulders, his bent knees on either side of Loki's legs, head tilted back to look up at his face. ”I have no bad ideas.”

”Not even choosing to sleep on the couch, when I was in your bed?” The question slipped out anyway.

Stark's eyes shifted away. ”Yeah, well... I didn't want to risk waking you up if you were still asleep. I knew you'd need every minute of it.” He looked up again. ”Before you're off on whatever it is you feel you need to do today.”

”Anthony...”

”No, nevermind, I'm not asking. You don't have to tell me. Really.” He made a half shrug under Loki's hands. ”It was supposed to be a punishment, after all, wasn't it? Those aren't meant to be all fun and games anyway.”

Oh, yes. Punishment. Twofold. They were punishing him for what he had done. He was punishing himself for what he had not. But he could not bring himself to explain that.

Loki was pulled from his thoughts by Stark's fingers gently traveling over the side of his naked torso. He looked down, saw the darker hand trace a rib under his pale skin.

”Any way I could persuade you to at least have breakfast before you leave? Even you need to do things like that, you know?”

Loki sighed.

Tony's hands placed themselves on his hips then, giving them a little shake. ”Hey?”

Loki met the dark eyes again.

Stark's brow furrowed. ”All right. Shit. I said I wasn't asking but, yeah, whatever. Fuck it.” He bit his lip, hesitated, and then asked. ”You're not doing what you're doing because of that stupid punishment thing, are you? Not really?”

This time Loki was the one shifting his eyes away.

_not enough_

”Why would that be so unlikely?”

”You kidding? You're not exactly the kind to quietly take a beating. Unless you have some reason to. You know that I know that, don't you? We played that game before.”

He knew he had asked Stark to stop acting stupid. Now that he had, Loki wished he hadn't.

”Perhaps that is simply all I know how to do anymore.” Loki was still looking away, clenching his teeth, wondering why he was speaking at all. The ability to control his tongue was what he took pride in, after all.

”What? Take a beating?” A soft snort of laughter. ”Well, I'd be lying if I said you're not good at it. But you're not that bad at paying back in kind, either. And if you won't take my word for it, you can just ask Steve the next time he stops by.” The hold on Loki's hips grew a bit firmer. ”Also, I have a list of things you know how to do that I wouldn't recommend talking to Steve about, because then he might blush himself into a late grave and I'd just never hear the end of that.”

Loki finally turned back.

”But that is not what you are asking me to do now, is it? Pay back in kind? Nor take the beating?” Loki frowned down at Stark's surprisingly calm face. ”So what is it? What would you have me do?”

”I just told you.” Anthony smiled. ”Come have breakfast. Even though it's not morning, it's still breakfast if it's the first meal of the day.”

”Very well, then.” Loki sighed again, relenting. ”I will.”

”Never made you pancakes, have I?”

”No?”

”'Bout time, then.”

* * *

Pancakes turned out to be soft, slightly salty things covered in something sweet and sticky called syrup. When Loki touched a finger to the dark golden substance and pulled it away, strings of it followed, refusing to let him go, and then fell back. He put the finger to his mouth, licking the rest off. Then he heard a little chuckle, and looked up to find Tony watching him.

”I'd tell you not to play with your food, but then I'd never get to see things like that again.”

The look on his face actually made Loki smile, for the first time that day. Or the first time in several days? He could not even remember. 

It also made him dip his finger in the syrup again, this time putting all of it in his mouth to suck it clean. Just to get to see if that would make the brown eyes widen. And it worked, perfectly. 

”All right then.” Stark cleared his throat, turning back to the stove. ”You just keep playing with that. And I'll just focus on not burning the next one.”

So, there were things he knew how to do. Besides take a beating, from himself and others. But he still stopped playing, and started eating. The sweetness on his tongue had reminded him that he really was hungry. Ravenous, even.

It had been several days since he had eaten properly too. Or so he thought. That was hard to remember as well.

After a while Stark joined him by the table with his plate, and they ate in silence. When his plate was empty and his belly was full, Loki leaned back in his chair to watch Tony make short work of his own meal. 

The man glanced up between bites to see him looking. ”Not too bad, huh?”

”Not too bad.”

There was something oddly soothing about the whole thing. Not just the food that seemed to pleasantly weigh him down, but the warmth from the cooking that filled the room now, and the relaxed, easy intimacy of sharing a simple meal.

He had worked so hard doing everything, in an attempt to feel nothing. Now he was doing nothing, and felt... Well... Everything.

It drowned out the whispers.

The world seemed closer, more detailed. Light glinting off utensils. The rich scent of the food. A small drop of syrup on the edge of Tony's bottom lip.

Loki found himself leaning over, draw the man closer with a hand around his shoulder, and lick that drop away with the tip of his tongue. Sweet and salt. Then he quietly sat back in his seat again.

Stark had frozen with a bite of food half way to his mouth when Loki had touched him, and he was still in the same position when he glanced over. ”Getting into the playing with your food thing, are you?”

”Technically, I think that was your food.”

”Ah, now you're starting to sound more like you. If you flash me a grin on top of that, I'd say you are all healed up and ready to go.”

Loki didn't grin. He reached out and picked the bottle of syrup from the table, before moving his chair closer to Tony's. Placing his free hand on a warm thigh, he slid his fingers up to the fastening of the pants.

”I'm not.” He found the dark eyes wide again. ”I am all healed up, and ready to stay.”

With that, he let his fingers find their way inside the man's undergarment, while the other hand flipped the lid of the bottle open.

Sweet and salt.

* * *

”This floor is really fucking uncomfortable.”

”You are the one on top, Stark.”

”Yeah, say that to my knees.”

”At least this kitchen holds some useful items.”

”I'll never look at olive oil the same way again. Or maple syrup. I'll tell you that much.”

There were a few moments of silence.

”Lok'?”

”Mmm?”

”Is there any way you could get us up from here? My thigh muscles aren't on speaking terms with me any more, apparently.”

”I can do even better.” Loki sat himself up, pulling his legs in, closing his arms around Stark's back. ”Hold on.”

When they reappeared in the bathroom by the bedroom, Loki still had to help Tony get up, dizzy from the pull of magic on top of everything else. But at least the shower was close. They were both sticky in some places and slick in others, and the smells of oil and syrup filled the space until Tony's hands managed to turn on the hot water.

While it washed down over them, Loki put his arms around Stark, pulling his back to his chest and resting his cheek against the now wet hair. They stood like that for a long time, before they found the strength to really clean themselves. 

Water in itself was nowhere near enough for that task.

Dry again, they curled up on the bed, under the covers. Loki found himself sleepy, once more, even after a full day of rest, and Stark, who had hardly rested at all in the same amount of time, was yawning widely.

But he did not seem ready to drift off just yet, instead turning to face Loki on the shared pillow.

”Why did you stay?”

Loki smirked. ”Because you made me pancakes, of course.”

Tony blinked. And again. ”They weren't _that_ good.”

”They were the best I have ever had.”

A frown. ”No, they were the _only_ you've ever had. So cut the crap. Why?”

This was not that one question at the core of the man. The one stuck like a sore, inflamed thorn in his heart. A thorn Anthony dared not pull out, afraid the wound would never close, leaving him to bleed out. Loki knew that. But he also knew that this question took Tony one step closer.

And Loki knew that this was his own moment to make a decision.

He could look Tony in the eye and lie. Feed him some fabricated reason that would ring of truth while being completely false. He knew that he could.

Or, he could tell the truth. And perhaps push Anthony even closer to that question.

As he opened his mouth, his mind was still not fully made up, so it was a surprise to hear the truth fall from his lips when he spoke.

”Because you wanted me to. Because you all but carried me to bed when I was helpless. Because you fed me when I had no idea how hungry I truly was. Because you cared, about me, more than the use I could be doing you and your kind, out there, right now.”

Another blink. And a swallow. 

”Of course I fucking care.” Stark's voice was a bit hoarse. ”Not to take anything away from the stuff you've been doing. Like the barrier. It's awesome, it really is. But that's not the thing fucking me senseless on the kitchen floor, now is it?”

”It's not.”

”And _there's_ that grin! Thank you. Now I feel better.” Tony yawned again, making his jaw crack. ”A lot better. Good enough to sleep on, I think.”

”I should hope so.”

And then Tony's eyes slowly closed, his breathing deepened, and Loki knew he really was asleep. Exhausted.

He found himself looking at that resting face for a long time. It looked younger without the tense lines. Open. Defenseless.

He also found himself wondering what he would have said if Stark _had_ asked that one question. What answer he would have given. Before, he had never known. But now he did.

True, Loki was honest enough with himself to admit that the answer he gave now might not be the same one he would give tomorrow. After all, he was a fickle creature. Somehow, it didn't really matter, at this moment. 

Being able to know that answer now, when the question had not even been asked, was enough.

_never enough_

Smiling at the sleeping mortal, he ignored the whisper, and gave his answer anyway.

”Yes. I do.”

**Author's Note:**

> No real smut in this one. Wanted to focus on the feels. But I did the linework, you should be able to colour in the rest. Put your dirty minds to use!
> 
> (And pancakes because all the Tonys and Lokis seem to be eating them. Couldn't let my boys miss out!)


End file.
